ayy miss nem

For the past few days, I’ve been out of the loop. No one did anything wrong to me and nothing horrible happened either. That’s what I didn’t understand. Why did I feel so miserable when my life was going perfectly fine? Each day I kept questioning myself, even asking God for answers and guidance. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and what bothered me so much. I knew it wasn’t the stress of school because I barely just started Spring semester. Until today, I got myself figured out in the most twisted ways. I haven’t had a decent conversation with my boyfriend lately. It scares me. It really does. Why does it scare me? Because I’ve realized throughout these 6 years, our communication levels have drastically changed. It has gradually increased and improved a lot. I’m so proud of our efforts and progress. It definitely makes our relationship healthier along the way. A few years ago when we just started being official, we always asked each other why we never fought. We thought it was a good thing until we realized it was somewhat of a bad thing. An unhealthy thing. Every couple has their arguments and makeups. That’s when I realized, we weren’t close to enough to even start an argument at all. My boyfriend pointed out that communication was the number 1 key to a relationship when I marked trust as number 1. And now I see why it’s so important to him. Communication is everything in a relationship whether it’s verbal or physical. We used to go days without talking to each other and still be fine with it. Wow, I honestly  don’t know how we managed to do that. And now it’s all different because we talk to each other every day literally all day and night. Trust me, I’m not one of those crazy gf’s who demand a call or text 24/7 or keep track of him. IMO, it’s stupid. I’m glad to say I give him all the breathing space he needs. And I’m grateful and happy that he takes the time in his life to text me on the daily without asking. I appreciate that. The first 2 years were the most difficult for us because of the lack of communication and effort from my part. I’m glad to say it has improved after my eyes have been opened to mistakes that shouldn’t have been made to prove a point. But it is what it is, right? Gotta learn someway, somehow. But anyway, that’s that, now back to the present, I 100% completely understand why our communication level is drastically dropping. It’s his job to sacrifice it. Him being in the Navy, I am nothing but proud and supportive of him. The sacrifices he makes as a sailor, I too have to make sacrifices as a girlfriend. I can’t be selfish, stubborn, sad, you name it. I have no control over my feelings and actions anymore because my mind has been ruptured with so many thoughts whether they are rational or not. Yes, I’m going crazy. And I shouldn’t let irrationality get the best of me. I’m letting my mind beat the shit out of my heart. I need to control it and fight it for the sake of us. My boyfriend is going on his first deployment to Afghanistan next month and he’s currently on the other side of the country dealing with training, let alone dealing with the time difference and the time to talk. I haven’t been able to have QT conversations with him and I miss it. I miss it all, I miss him, I miss us, I miss everything. I become so angry to the point where I forget the purpose of this miscommunication that I work myself up and try to start fights and fits just to “rekindle” that communication back. I don’t want to be mad, it’s just it seems to me that I need to be mad to get something out of it. And I shouldn’t at all. It’s not acceptable in any way and someone should slap some sense into me. I’m just upset that it’s not how it used to be before he left. I put myself into all this trouble because I just miss talking to my best friend… Then there are times that I have to pinch myself back into reality and let myself know that it’s not his fault nor is it his intentions to leave me alone like that. The lack of communication comes with his duty. That’s why I can’t and shouldn’t complain about it at all. I just want to hear from him from time to time to give me the reassurance that he’s okay. I know God is protecting him like he is protecting everyone else. I’ve been so vulnerable to not feeling or showing any emotions lately, therefore, I stick myself in a rut and dig myself a deeper hole to fall in. I’m not helping myself at all. And that’s the problem. Me. It’s always been me. What I don’t understand about myself is that I’ve been through this long distance deal and lack of communication before when he was in boot camp and A school in Chicago. So why am I acting like I’ve never dealt with this before? I feel as if the more we communicated, the closer we’ve become. And that’s what messes me up so bad because I feel like some part of me like my soul is escaping from me for a while. The closer you are to someone, the harder it is to let go. Am I right? So please understand me when I say it’s hard. I don’t want it to be about me because the person who needs the most support right now is my boyfriend. I got your back babe. I’ve always had your back and I will continue to do so. This won’t phase me any longer and I feel like it’s just another stage in our relationship when shit gets tough but we keep going. I just needed to apologize and clarify my actions and thoughts for you and anyone who has been affected with my behavior lately. For now, I’m my own back bone. Don’t worry about me babe, I can take care of myself and hold it down while you’re gone. You’ve been my back bone for 6 years and counting and all I ask from you is that you take care of yourself and stay safe out there. It’s an ugly world outside, I wouldn’t want something so beautiful within to be destroyed. Now back to my question, why does it scare me? Because I don’t want to end up as “strangers again.” Thanks for listening and always being there. Love you JP.