When people say absence makes the heart grow fonder, do you think it’s true?
My father has been in the Navy for 26 years. He retired in 2008 as a Senior Chief Petty Officer. I was always proud of my dad for what he’s done with his life and what he’s provided for his family. He took good care of us and I love him for it. I appreciate everything, for all the food on the table, a shirt on our back, and shelter above our heads. With that being said, there’s always that one catch. That con to every pro. Absence. When I was a little girl, I never quite understood why my dad was always gone. I looked through old photo albums and I asked my mother why I was always crying in pictures with my dad as an infant. She told me it’s because I didn’t know my dad at all since he wasn’t able to be there for me due to deployment. He wasn’t there when I was born and he wasn’t there to see me grow months after months. I would always see baby pictures of me with a letter laying right beside me. It was letters from my dad to me. My mom told me she would read them to me every night before we went to bed wishing that he was there to witness his first born and only daughter being brought into this world. It sucks to know this but it’s a sacrifice we all must make and accept. When I got a little older I’ve gotten used to just being with my mom. But throughout his constant deployments, I would become attached to my dad more and more and it would just make me bitter. I would be mad at the Navy for always taking my dad away from me. And yes, I’m definitely a daddy’s girl and I’m loving every single minute of it. When my brothers were born, I was 7 years old and I was old enough to understand but still too young to keep a composure. I would become jealous and angry because he was able to be there for important events in my brothers’ lives but not for mine. It was always been me who’s been sacrificed. My dad was absent for most of my birthdays, my junior high promotion and my high school graduation. It hurt me to not see my dad but I knew from a distance and a heart beat that he was proud of me. I just wished he was there to see it all happen. I’ve gotten so used to the fact that he was gone that it didn’t phase me at all anymore. When it was my 18th birthday, he almost didn’t make it. It was the biggest day of my life since I was becoming an adult and it’s a Filipino tradition to throw a debutante ball. It almost broke my heart because was I not going to be able to get my father-daughter dance either? It just didn’t seem so fair to me. But strings have been pulled and I was happy he could make it. His speech reflected on the fact that he loved me so much even when he couldn’t be there and of course that made me cry to pieces. When he retired, I felt proud and of course, relieved that all this deployment acts would be over. That I can finally have my dad back and rekindle the years that have been lost.
And just when I thought things we’re going back to normal, then came another one… My boyfriend.
My boyfriend & I have been together since 2006 and he joined the Navy in 2009. He was another important man in my life to be proud of. I never thought that I would have to encounter another distance, another time, another deployment so soon. I would always tell myself, “it’s nothing, I’ve been through this before, I can go through it again.” But somehow, I have this different feeling now which differs from my father. I’ve realized that this is exactly the feeling my mom felt when my dad was always gone. And I respect her for that. She’s definitely a strong woman to raise children and keep the house in tact on her own. I never knew that deployments would revolve around my life 24/7. I don’t have a problem with it at all because I fully understand that its his duty to protect our country and keep us safe. We’ve gone through distance once, and now we’re currently going through distance again. I can tell you that this is one hell of a fucking ride. We’re going through our first deployment together and it utterly messes with my mind and heart. I pace back and forth wondering if he’s okay, what he’s doing, where’s he headed. It’s been such a crazy feeling to experience. I would have my random out bursts, I would scream, cry, and show every type of emotion there is out there and this deployment has been the most difficult for me. I don’t want to experience that same bitter feeling I had with my dad when he couldn’t be there when I needed him the most. My boyfriend has missed my birthday, about to miss another one, missed an anniversary, and what more can he miss? My college graduation? Sometimes I feel like it’s not fair and I always wonder, “why me?” But I stop, take a breath or 2, step back, and realize that I shouldn’t be nowhere near being selfish. I don’t want to be heartbroken about it but the fact that I’ve dealt with this constant absence for practically ALL of my life, makes me so immune to it. I didn’t sign up to go through absence with my dad but I sure as hell did for my boyfriend. It’s a lifestyle that I’ve adapted to and it doesn’t stop right here. Although I wish it did at times, I wouldn’t wanna trade it for anything else. This is my life and I will continue to live it this way. I support these wonderful men and I will do anything for them even if we’re separated through distance and time. I love them to death and I am so proud of what they do for us and our country. If I learned anything throughout this whole lifestyle, it has made me a stronger person with a bigger heart. I can’t explain this feeling at its entirety, but it’s a bittersweet feeling that I’ll always carry on my sleeve for the rest of my life.
So does absence make the heart grow fonder? Yeah, I believe so. It builds a strong foundation of love and understanding that no one will ever quite understand until they’ve experienced it. It’s a wonderful and rewarding feeling, trust me. Time and patience is essential to the heart and soul. This is my life & I love it to the fullest.
My bf’s mom called me saying something came in the mail for me and I was wondering what it was. It was an early Valentine’s Day card from him. This was so unexpected but it really made me happy. Thank you for the card babe, I miss & love you. Be safe out there, please.
—-
This is what the card said:
I love that you’re my best friend-
whether we’re talking,
laughing, having fun,
or just doing nothing together-
anywhere with you
is my favorite place to be.
I love the romance we share-
our tender moments, our warmth and closeness,
and all the ways
you keep me falling
more in love with you
as time goes by…
I love sharing everything with you-
the partner I can count on,
the friend of my heart,
and the one
who means the world to me.
Happy Valentine’s Day
I’m currently wearing my boyfriend’s sweater and it still smells like him. It feels like he never left and that he’s right by my side. He’s been gone for almost a month and it took until now and by only one scent for me to get pretty emotional. I’m not really an emotional typa gal so it amazes me that a smell can trigger my mood with the quickness when it correlates to someone so close to you and yet they’re so far away. Crazy. 7 months need to hurry up please… I miss my boo so damn much.
For the past few days, I’ve been out of the loop. No one did anything wrong to me and nothing horrible happened either. That’s what I didn’t understand. Why did I feel so miserable when my life was going perfectly fine? Each day I kept questioning myself, even asking God for answers and guidance. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and what bothered me so much. I knew it wasn’t the stress of school because I barely just started Spring semester. Until today, I got myself figured out in the most twisted ways. I haven’t had a decent conversation with my boyfriend lately. It scares me. It really does. Why does it scare me? Because I’ve realized throughout these 6 years, our communication levels have drastically changed. It has gradually increased and improved a lot. I’m so proud of our efforts and progress. It definitely makes our relationship healthier along the way. A few years ago when we just started being official, we always asked each other why we never fought. We thought it was a good thing until we realized it was somewhat of a bad thing. An unhealthy thing. Every couple has their arguments and makeups. That’s when I realized, we weren’t close to enough to even start an argument at all. My boyfriend pointed out that communication was the number 1 key to a relationship when I marked trust as number 1. And now I see why it’s so important to him. Communication is everything in a relationship whether it’s verbal or physical. We used to go days without talking to each other and still be fine with it. Wow, I honestly don’t know how we managed to do that. And now it’s all different because we talk to each other every day literally all day and night. Trust me, I’m not one of those crazy gf’s who demand a call or text 24/7 or keep track of him. IMO, it’s stupid. I’m glad to say I give him all the breathing space he needs. And I’m grateful and happy that he takes the time in his life to text me on the daily without asking. I appreciate that. The first 2 years were the most difficult for us because of the lack of communication and effort from my part. I’m glad to say it has improved after my eyes have been opened to mistakes that shouldn’t have been made to prove a point. But it is what it is, right? Gotta learn someway, somehow. But anyway, that’s that, now back to the present, I 100% completely understand why our communication level is drastically dropping. It’s his job to sacrifice it. Him being in the Navy, I am nothing but proud and supportive of him. The sacrifices he makes as a sailor, I too have to make sacrifices as a girlfriend. I can’t be selfish, stubborn, sad, you name it. I have no control over my feelings and actions anymore because my mind has been ruptured with so many thoughts whether they are rational or not. Yes, I’m going crazy. And I shouldn’t let irrationality get the best of me. I’m letting my mind beat the shit out of my heart. I need to control it and fight it for the sake of us. My boyfriend is going on his first deployment to Afghanistan next month and he’s currently on the other side of the country dealing with training, let alone dealing with the time difference and the time to talk. I haven’t been able to have QT conversations with him and I miss it. I miss it all, I miss him, I miss us, I miss everything. I become so angry to the point where I forget the purpose of this miscommunication that I work myself up and try to start fights and fits just to “rekindle” that communication back. I don’t want to be mad, it’s just it seems to me that I need to be mad to get something out of it. And I shouldn’t at all. It’s not acceptable in any way and someone should slap some sense into me. I’m just upset that it’s not how it used to be before he left. I put myself into all this trouble because I just miss talking to my best friend… Then there are times that I have to pinch myself back into reality and let myself know that it’s not his fault nor is it his intentions to leave me alone like that. The lack of communication comes with his duty. That’s why I can’t and shouldn’t complain about it at all. I just want to hear from him from time to time to give me the reassurance that he’s okay. I know God is protecting him like he is protecting everyone else. I’ve been so vulnerable to not feeling or showing any emotions lately, therefore, I stick myself in a rut and dig myself a deeper hole to fall in. I’m not helping myself at all. And that’s the problem. Me. It’s always been me. What I don’t understand about myself is that I’ve been through this long distance deal and lack of communication before when he was in boot camp and A school in Chicago. So why am I acting like I’ve never dealt with this before? I feel as if the more we communicated, the closer we’ve become. And that’s what messes me up so bad because I feel like some part of me like my soul is escaping from me for a while. The closer you are to someone, the harder it is to let go. Am I right? So please understand me when I say it’s hard. I don’t want it to be about me because the person who needs the most support right now is my boyfriend. I got your back babe. I’ve always had your back and I will continue to do so. This won’t phase me any longer and I feel like it’s just another stage in our relationship when shit gets tough but we keep going. I just needed to apologize and clarify my actions and thoughts for you and anyone who has been affected with my behavior lately. For now, I’m my own back bone. Don’t worry about me babe, I can take care of myself and hold it down while you’re gone. You’ve been my back bone for 6 years and counting and all I ask from you is that you take care of yourself and stay safe out there. It’s an ugly world outside, I wouldn’t want something so beautiful within to be destroyed. Now back to my question, why does it scare me? Because I don’t want to end up as “strangers again.” Thanks for listening and always being there. Love you JP.
This is our last pic and his last visit home in SD before he heads to New Jersey for more training and then off to Afghanistan. I already miss him. I’m gonna leave it in God’s hands to take care of him and protect him during this deployment. I’ve been praying every night for his safety and I know he’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me babe, I’ll keep my head up and hold down the fort while you’re gone. I’ll see you in 7 months boo. Be safe and take care out there. I love you.
