When people say absence makes the heart grow fonder, do you think it’s true?
My father has been in the Navy for 26 years. He retired in 2008 as a Senior Chief Petty Officer. I was always proud of my dad for what he’s done with his life and what he’s provided for his family. He took good care of us and I love him for it. I appreciate everything, for all the food on the table, a shirt on our back, and shelter above our heads. With that being said, there’s always that one catch. That con to every pro. Absence. When I was a little girl, I never quite understood why my dad was always gone. I looked through old photo albums and I asked my mother why I was always crying in pictures with my dad as an infant. She told me it’s because I didn’t know my dad at all since he wasn’t able to be there for me due to deployment. He wasn’t there when I was born and he wasn’t there to see me grow months after months. I would always see baby pictures of me with a letter laying right beside me. It was letters from my dad to me. My mom told me she would read them to me every night before we went to bed wishing that he was there to witness his first born and only daughter being brought into this world. It sucks to know this but it’s a sacrifice we all must make and accept. When I got a little older I’ve gotten used to just being with my mom. But throughout his constant deployments, I would become attached to my dad more and more and it would just make me bitter. I would be mad at the Navy for always taking my dad away from me. And yes, I’m definitely a daddy’s girl and I’m loving every single minute of it. When my brothers were born, I was 7 years old and I was old enough to understand but still too young to keep a composure. I would become jealous and angry because he was able to be there for important events in my brothers’ lives but not for mine. It was always been me who’s been sacrificed. My dad was absent for most of my birthdays, my junior high promotion and my high school graduation. It hurt me to not see my dad but I knew from a distance and a heart beat that he was proud of me. I just wished he was there to see it all happen. I’ve gotten so used to the fact that he was gone that it didn’t phase me at all anymore. When it was my 18th birthday, he almost didn’t make it. It was the biggest day of my life since I was becoming an adult and it’s a Filipino tradition to throw a debutante ball. It almost broke my heart because was I not going to be able to get my father-daughter dance either? It just didn’t seem so fair to me. But strings have been pulled and I was happy he could make it. His speech reflected on the fact that he loved me so much even when he couldn’t be there and of course that made me cry to pieces. When he retired, I felt proud and of course, relieved that all this deployment acts would be over. That I can finally have my dad back and rekindle the years that have been lost.
And just when I thought things we’re going back to normal, then came another one… My boyfriend.
My boyfriend & I have been together since 2006 and he joined the Navy in 2009. He was another important man in my life to be proud of. I never thought that I would have to encounter another distance, another time, another deployment so soon. I would always tell myself, “it’s nothing, I’ve been through this before, I can go through it again.” But somehow, I have this different feeling now which differs from my father. I’ve realized that this is exactly the feeling my mom felt when my dad was always gone. And I respect her for that. She’s definitely a strong woman to raise children and keep the house in tact on her own. I never knew that deployments would revolve around my life 24/7. I don’t have a problem with it at all because I fully understand that its his duty to protect our country and keep us safe. We’ve gone through distance once, and now we’re currently going through distance again. I can tell you that this is one hell of a fucking ride. We’re going through our first deployment together and it utterly messes with my mind and heart. I pace back and forth wondering if he’s okay, what he’s doing, where’s he headed. It’s been such a crazy feeling to experience. I would have my random out bursts, I would scream, cry, and show every type of emotion there is out there and this deployment has been the most difficult for me. I don’t want to experience that same bitter feeling I had with my dad when he couldn’t be there when I needed him the most. My boyfriend has missed my birthday, about to miss another one, missed an anniversary, and what more can he miss? My college graduation? Sometimes I feel like it’s not fair and I always wonder, “why me?” But I stop, take a breath or 2, step back, and realize that I shouldn’t be nowhere near being selfish. I don’t want to be heartbroken about it but the fact that I’ve dealt with this constant absence for practically ALL of my life, makes me so immune to it. I didn’t sign up to go through absence with my dad but I sure as hell did for my boyfriend. It’s a lifestyle that I’ve adapted to and it doesn’t stop right here. Although I wish it did at times, I wouldn’t wanna trade it for anything else. This is my life and I will continue to live it this way. I support these wonderful men and I will do anything for them even if we’re separated through distance and time. I love them to death and I am so proud of what they do for us and our country. If I learned anything throughout this whole lifestyle, it has made me a stronger person with a bigger heart. I can’t explain this feeling at its entirety, but it’s a bittersweet feeling that I’ll always carry on my sleeve for the rest of my life.
So does absence make the heart grow fonder? Yeah, I believe so. It builds a strong foundation of love and understanding that no one will ever quite understand until they’ve experienced it. It’s a wonderful and rewarding feeling, trust me. Time and patience is essential to the heart and soul. This is my life & I love it to the fullest.
I can’t help but worry. On the outside, I’m fine. But deep inside, I’m screaming and kicking and going crazy every single minute. My sleep pattern is totally off. I haven’t gotten a good night’s rest for a few days now. Cuz all I can do is worry and think and think even more. I can’t even take naps because every time I wake up, I wake up so paranoid, out of my element, and so scared. I’m so confused, I get shaky, and I just want to have my nervous break downs every single day. 7 months, you’re suffocating me badly. Hurry up please. God help us.
I tried my hardest to stay calm, cool, and collected for these past few weeks. I was vulnerable to not showing any type of emotion only to show everyone that I’ve been strong and keeping my damn head up and that nothing can phase me. Not even separation. But the more I feel alone, the more I’m beginning to wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it. I hate being alone, I hate showing any type of feeling, I hate separation, I hate this deployment, and I hate how I miss my best friend too damn much!!! This anxiety has been driving me crazy and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I am so grateful to have girls who I can talk to who actually understand what I’m going through and how I’m feeling but it doesn’t compare to the feeling of actually talking to your man. It’s been a rough week for me and all these thoughts and emotions keep running through my head back and forth consistently and my mind never takes a break. The more my mind runs, the less my heart wants to keep up. I hate what this is turning me into. There are thoughts that push me away and there are feelings that pull me back closer. I. Am. Tired. Please keep me at a steady pace for once because I need to catch up and breathe. Til now, my heart has finally warmed up like it should have. I just don’t understand why it was such a delay. This outer shell of mine is so hard to crack open it’s so ridiculous to read what’s inside of me. My skin’s too thick, my heart’s too cold, that’s just me for you. That’s what makes it so difficult to express myself to others aside from JP. The fact that his presence isn’t here right now, has left me no option but to grow some balls and express myself to anyone and have them try to understand me. But it ain’t no lie that they’ll never understand me the way he does no matter how much effort is being put to understand me. And for me to step it down a level helps me ease through the pain a little better. I just want to be with JP but I know I can’t. Not right now. I promised myself and him that I would hold it down and hold my composure until he comes back. That’s all I can do and I’m pretty sure he has to do the same as well. It’s a rocky start but I know it’ll settle down later. This road has been so difficult for me but I know it’s worth the journey and experience. This is only the beginning. Be strong, be brave.
For the past few days, I’ve been out of the loop. No one did anything wrong to me and nothing horrible happened either. That’s what I didn’t understand. Why did I feel so miserable when my life was going perfectly fine? Each day I kept questioning myself, even asking God for answers and guidance. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and what bothered me so much. I knew it wasn’t the stress of school because I barely just started Spring semester. Until today, I got myself figured out in the most twisted ways. I haven’t had a decent conversation with my boyfriend lately. It scares me. It really does. Why does it scare me? Because I’ve realized throughout these 6 years, our communication levels have drastically changed. It has gradually increased and improved a lot. I’m so proud of our efforts and progress. It definitely makes our relationship healthier along the way. A few years ago when we just started being official, we always asked each other why we never fought. We thought it was a good thing until we realized it was somewhat of a bad thing. An unhealthy thing. Every couple has their arguments and makeups. That’s when I realized, we weren’t close to enough to even start an argument at all. My boyfriend pointed out that communication was the number 1 key to a relationship when I marked trust as number 1. And now I see why it’s so important to him. Communication is everything in a relationship whether it’s verbal or physical. We used to go days without talking to each other and still be fine with it. Wow, I honestly don’t know how we managed to do that. And now it’s all different because we talk to each other every day literally all day and night. Trust me, I’m not one of those crazy gf’s who demand a call or text 24/7 or keep track of him. IMO, it’s stupid. I’m glad to say I give him all the breathing space he needs. And I’m grateful and happy that he takes the time in his life to text me on the daily without asking. I appreciate that. The first 2 years were the most difficult for us because of the lack of communication and effort from my part. I’m glad to say it has improved after my eyes have been opened to mistakes that shouldn’t have been made to prove a point. But it is what it is, right? Gotta learn someway, somehow. But anyway, that’s that, now back to the present, I 100% completely understand why our communication level is drastically dropping. It’s his job to sacrifice it. Him being in the Navy, I am nothing but proud and supportive of him. The sacrifices he makes as a sailor, I too have to make sacrifices as a girlfriend. I can’t be selfish, stubborn, sad, you name it. I have no control over my feelings and actions anymore because my mind has been ruptured with so many thoughts whether they are rational or not. Yes, I’m going crazy. And I shouldn’t let irrationality get the best of me. I’m letting my mind beat the shit out of my heart. I need to control it and fight it for the sake of us. My boyfriend is going on his first deployment to Afghanistan next month and he’s currently on the other side of the country dealing with training, let alone dealing with the time difference and the time to talk. I haven’t been able to have QT conversations with him and I miss it. I miss it all, I miss him, I miss us, I miss everything. I become so angry to the point where I forget the purpose of this miscommunication that I work myself up and try to start fights and fits just to “rekindle” that communication back. I don’t want to be mad, it’s just it seems to me that I need to be mad to get something out of it. And I shouldn’t at all. It’s not acceptable in any way and someone should slap some sense into me. I’m just upset that it’s not how it used to be before he left. I put myself into all this trouble because I just miss talking to my best friend… Then there are times that I have to pinch myself back into reality and let myself know that it’s not his fault nor is it his intentions to leave me alone like that. The lack of communication comes with his duty. That’s why I can’t and shouldn’t complain about it at all. I just want to hear from him from time to time to give me the reassurance that he’s okay. I know God is protecting him like he is protecting everyone else. I’ve been so vulnerable to not feeling or showing any emotions lately, therefore, I stick myself in a rut and dig myself a deeper hole to fall in. I’m not helping myself at all. And that’s the problem. Me. It’s always been me. What I don’t understand about myself is that I’ve been through this long distance deal and lack of communication before when he was in boot camp and A school in Chicago. So why am I acting like I’ve never dealt with this before? I feel as if the more we communicated, the closer we’ve become. And that’s what messes me up so bad because I feel like some part of me like my soul is escaping from me for a while. The closer you are to someone, the harder it is to let go. Am I right? So please understand me when I say it’s hard. I don’t want it to be about me because the person who needs the most support right now is my boyfriend. I got your back babe. I’ve always had your back and I will continue to do so. This won’t phase me any longer and I feel like it’s just another stage in our relationship when shit gets tough but we keep going. I just needed to apologize and clarify my actions and thoughts for you and anyone who has been affected with my behavior lately. For now, I’m my own back bone. Don’t worry about me babe, I can take care of myself and hold it down while you’re gone. You’ve been my back bone for 6 years and counting and all I ask from you is that you take care of yourself and stay safe out there. It’s an ugly world outside, I wouldn’t want something so beautiful within to be destroyed. Now back to my question, why does it scare me? Because I don’t want to end up as “strangers again.” Thanks for listening and always being there. Love you JP.
I have NEVER felt this hurt in a while by a PARENT. They’re so busy in their own parenting lives that they don’t stop and take the time to observe their child’s life. I’ve been a full-time student for a very long time and it just fucking hurts me to death that they don’t give me enough credit or cut me some slack for studying so damn hard! They don’t ask me how I’m feeling, if I’m okay, and if there’s anything they can do to make me feel better. NOTHING. I feel like there’s a wall built between us and it just keep stacking higher and higher. Every day I’m under pressure and they don’t see that. I’m always getting lectured rather than getting positive words of wisdom and support. I always ask myself if I’m doing anything wrong or if what I do is not enough for them. I feel so upset and deeply disappointed but I have no idea if it’s in myself or in them. I’m trying to figure out what’s breaking my heart into tiny pieces; The fact that I don’t do enough for them or the fact that they don’t do enough to appreciate me. I’m almost at the home stretch of graduating and they feel that I haven’t accomplished anything. What more can I do to please them??? I’m tired as much as they are. When one of them family became a student themselves, I was hoping they would fit right in my shoes and cut me some slack and understand exactly what I go through. Instead, when things got to the best of them, they relied on someone more experienced not with education, but with pressure. And that someone was me. And at this very night, I have realized that I have been taken for granted. How can someone, your own blood, do this to you? All the screaming and negative words thrown at you because you’ve done something wrong in their favor, who is wrong at that point? Me or them? I don’t know. All I know is, my education, and my being, is seriously being taken for granted. Just remember, I am not only a student, but I am your daughter. Not just a random person who will save your ass from ruts that you cannot understand or get out of. You’ve taught me that education is a challenge and I should accept it and battle it myself through the end. Please don’t be a hypocrite. Why can’t you follow your own advice? Parents should never take a step down below their children. They’re supposed to be gurus throughout our lives no matter how old we are. It is so difficult to live with a parent who was born in another country and raised in a different society from what we were born and raised in. That’s what makes things 10 times harder. I wished they would understand that education then and now, here and there, are completely different from each other. I understand their frustrations of education in America but that doesn’t mean you can pick on your children and blame them on what you know is far from your reach and beyond your comfort level. Just remember, I am a student with my own struggles. Adding on to our baggage with yours just makes us feel worse and a bigger struggle to get through learning. We are happy to help you but we just don’t appreciate being used. And when things going wrong, please don’t hurt our feelings. I’ve sacrificed meal times, sleep times, leisure times just to help myself and you through further education. Don’t forget that I’m a student myself and it’s not easy flying by homework, projects, and exams. I put in 110% and adding an extra 20 for you burns me out. It’s definitely out of my way but I still make the time to help you out. Please be grateful. I don’t wanna be frustrated and angry at you, but you just make it so difficult and act so selfish. I don’t mean to be like this, but I just can’t handle it anymore. I really can’t. I’m only 21, I’m still growing up, I’m still getting by with earning my bachelor’s degree, so please don’t put me down and discourage me just because I did your work wrong. Remember, this is NOT my homework and NOT my degree, of course, there will be mistakes because it is not my area of study. Your lesson learned. Not mine. You’re welcome for all my attempted help and time. Don’t ask me for anymore favors if you don’t appreciate any of it. I’m not trying to be a bitch or anything, it’s not my intentions to, but respect me the way I respect you at all times. I love you so please love me back.
I love my parents. I really do, with all my heart. And I’m grateful and very appreciative for all they’ve done and sacrificed for me. They are true hard workers but please, let’s be real. We’ve all heard our parents say that when we start working, we should pay them back in return for all they’ve done for us. No doubt about it, I will definitely help them out. But seriously, don’t treat your children like Santa. Just because your kids are fresh out of college and finally beginning a new chapter in their life with a wonderful career, doesn’t mean they’re already shitting out money and are on Donald Trump’s level. I’m pretty much tryna pursue 2 Bachelor’s in Kinesiology and Nursing before I turn 25. It’s a lot of time & hard work but it will be worth it in the end. I don’t mind hearing from my parents constantly, “Focus on your studies so that you can become successful.” Ok, I will don’t worry. But what I hate hearing from them is, “When you become a RN, I want you to buy me a million dollar house, a BMW, and help pay your brothers’ tuition.” WHOA! Stop right there! And what’s worse is, they’re serious. Dead serious. Ok I’m practically pursuing the same career you did, and were you able to buy those things off a whim just like that? NO. So what makes you think I can? I seriously cannot stress enough about the pressures I get with finishing school, and here I am with the pressures of buying them luxurious things? Even I can’t buy myself one of those things if I started working. It’s just not realistic at an early stage of a “well off” career. When your children ask for the expensive cars and go to the best ivy league schools, do you not realize that it’s the same exact thing? I’m not saying we refuse to do it all, I’m just saying realize that it takes time. We gave you 16 years to save up for our first car & 18 years to save up for our college fund. So please give us some extra time to do the same because like I said, we don’t shit Benjamins. And don’t look at us as if we’re millionaires on day 1 because socioeconomically, we’re practically on the same level as you. BE REALISTIC. STOP WITH THE WISHFUL THINKING!
So this kind of bothered me last night. Weight has always been an issue for me because I have a fast metabolism and my petite self has been trying my best to gain a lot of weight. I also want to be a healthy individual and eating right, exercising, staying fit is what I love to do. What really pisses me the fuck off is how ignorant people can be. Especially if they don’t know you or if they don’t know shit. Basically judging a book by its cover. I went shopping last night for more work out clothes and as soon as I was paying, this lady looked at my clothes I was buying then stared at me for a while. She had the nerve to say, “Oh, you work out?” And I said, “Yeah!” But really in my head I was like, “No shit.” And it was pretty obvious since I had work out clothes on too -_- But anyway, it wasn’t stating the obvious that triggered my mood, it was what she said after that. She had the nerve to say, “Why do you work out, you’re skinny. You’re not supposed to.” Bitch telling me who the fuck I is, say wha??? 1. SHUT THE FUCK UP 2. Do your job and don’t judge your customers who give you MONEY & BUSINESS 3. SHUT THE FUCK UP AGAIN 4. Why do you eat? You’re fat. You’re not supposed to 5. THEREFORE, SHUT THE FUCK UP ONE LAST TIME.
So before you guys open your mouths, think about how we feel when we’re low key insulted. It’s as hurtful as someone being called fat. Don’t be fuckin ignorant or shallow. It’s rude and you weren’t brought up that way. RESPECT.
Ultimately, my number one pet peeve is grammar/spelling. It doesn’t bother me when people spell like they talk. But grammatically, (you’re, your) or (they’re, their, there)… Really? Come on now. We’re adults and yall should be able to distinguish the freakin difference. I can’t express how many times I see this and how much it bothers me. Either people are ignorant or they’re just stupid. But enough of that. Point blank, what I recently discovered to be my next pet peeve along the side of grammar is PEOPLE BEING LATE. I HATE “Filipino time” with a passion. Please do not live up to that habit, people! It’s really inconsiderate and hella irritating. I came across it today, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, every freakin time. JUST STOP. Trust, I’m a very patient ass person most of the time but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and waste my time either. I’m the type of person who runs on a schedule and I can’t work with people who don’t have the same intentions as I do. I understand if someone is running late because something unavoidable happens or an emergency came up, but to hold off things last minute or be lazy, seriously, get the fuck out of here. I can’t tolerate such bullshit. I’ll admit, I can be late occasionally but at least I put in the effort to rush my ass and not take my dandy ass time still. It’s just annoying when people turn it into a habit. Coming across it today was definitely the last straw for me. I have places to go, I have shit to do, I don’t run on your time nor do you run on mine, there is a set schedule for a reason and you will be damn sure to follow that damn schedule. No excuses. This also applies to many other people and events. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve already reached my boiling point. So if yall are taking the time to read this and you think this applies to you, please, be considerate next time. Otherwise, I won’t tolerate your time nor will I tolerate you anymore. Simple as that.
